The Hoxton Pony

104-108 Curtain Road, Shoreditch

May 2008 was the date when the winds changed direction. One tatty Pool bar was badly in need of an overhaul (I dare you to argue otherwise) and along came a spot of talent, a dash of vision and a suitcase bursting with cash. Et voila, c’est la shifting winds. One Gerry Calabrese - former overlord to joints like Meet, Roast, the Cinnamon Club - joined forces with good pal Andy Pearson - allegedly the reigning UK Bartenders Guild National champion - and cooked up a big fat juicy pie of distinction. The crust of this pie was a smartly designed interior with a music-based filling. The designer - a former Ralph Lauren creative boffin - was given a handful of tunes and told “do that, but in bar form”. What he returned with was class without the la-di-da; neither ridiculous opulence nor shabby chic. Whilst seventy grand was spent just on glass alone, a load of scrap metal was whacked in as well to give it some of that juxtaposition stuff.

The upstairs is 60s conceptual art masquerading as non-coherent mess; but that’s the point. This is really an art installation that happens to serve the odd drink or two. I was befriended at the bar by a drunk trying to make sense of the stuffed owl scene behind it. See, sounds intriguing, right?

The descent into the basement cant make up its mind which after-life it likes best: big mirrors and white floors sing praises to the heavens yet at the same time it’s hotter than the Devil’s toaster. The floor has been sunk specifically for the purpose of boogey so I’m inclined to think the latter.

To say the music policy is broad would be like saying kids are rather partial to sweets. The DJ gobs out the full gamut of genres so if you’re looking to get into indie-rock, dub-dance ,ska-soul, kitsch-pop, beatbox, downbeat, upbeat, backbeat or deadbeat then this could well be your way in. And needless to say, as it’s Shoreditch, they’re required by law to play electro after midnight.

In terms of booze they have beers, wines, blah, blah and COCKTAILS!!! Boy, do they have cocktails! The Hoxton Ponies invented the world of cocktails. They’ve only been hiding it from us until now because they feared humanity might implode as a result of the shock. I saw a young whippersnapper of a gent naively making a bottle of BoringBeer his chosen beverage for the evening. The fool. You can lead a horse to water but..... This idiot had chosen to ignore the extensive range of bottles on the shelf - who knows what was in them, but it looked mighty impressive - as well as the highly original cocktail wallpaper right next to it. Yes, that’s ‘cocktail’ and ‘wallpaper’. Drink options printed on the wall and changed every 3 months. Meaning, you stare at it, you say “I want it”, you adhere to the element of continual freshness. Got it? It’s like Willa Wonka for adults. Bespoke creations designed by the Oompa-Loompa bar staff using weird science-project infusion liquids from jars that, guess what, they made themselves. Example: the Lady Grey is concocted with an alcoholic tea essence and what appears to be a sprinkle of magic unicorn dust. And they serve drinks in teacups. How delightfully cool.

The food is equally difficult to resist but on this front it’s very much “Oi oi East End boozer” fare. Only with a twist. The open plan kitchen whizzes out great plates until late. Posh pies, posh fish n chips and posh mashy-not-mushy peas. Done.

So who’s there? Should we make sweeping generalisations about ‘Shoreditch types’? Well, if you really have to then knock yourself out (please) but it’s not such a good look any more. Try the ‘something for everyone’ on for size, feels dangerous doesn’t it? Is a mix bag such a bad thing? Tuesday sees pairs of ladies chatting their way through the night. Whereas come Friday, the Liverpool Street suit stranglers and the crazy jeans kids are in town. Overall, the occupancy is favoured heavily in the ladies corner (about 65%) so lads, take note. And of them about 100% are made of sugar and spice and all things nice and roughly 100% of them like to shake their boo-tay. Be mindful though boys, you need to try harder with the threads, you’re letting the side down.

Overall tips: use the side stairs to get to the loos as crossing the perilous dancefloor will ensure your martini ends up covering more of it than you will; plus, save precious eye-catching time by ignoring the wait at the bar and opting for table service instead. “Do you come here often?”