The Valmont Club

266-266a Fulham Road, SW10 9EL

Contemplate, if you will, a little game we’ll call “The manager says...” This is a simple game. All you do is listen to what the manager says and then guess if he’s telling the truth. Then you get a clearer picture about the venue in question; plus an understanding of the inner workings of the manager’s mind which, in this case, belongs to a Frenchman called Thierry.

Thierry says The Valmont is a cocktail club, not a nightclub. He says The Valmont is only for regular members. He says The Valmont is for 25-45 year olds. He says The Valmont expects you to reserve a table. He says The Valmont dishes out an eclectic blend of house, indie, electro, rock, pop, and NOTHING ELSE. He says The Valmont expects you to be dressed smartly. He says The Valmont gets packed early in the evening. He says The Valmont has a ‘discretionary’ charge every time you visit the bar. He says The Valmont does bespoke food for sharing. He says The Valmont has been continually reshaping and redesigning since opening only a year ago. He says The Valmont always gets a 5-star review.

Some of the above has an element of truth, some is slightly fabricated. For example, it’s 11pm and the place is empty. And isn’t that RnB they’re playing? Later, when it starts getting buzzy, everyone there looks like they’re celebrating their A level results - yeh, young. The ladies look fabulous in cocktail dresses though, but the lads disappointingly opt for jeans. At the bar Thierry’s deliciously unique personal concoctions seem cheap at £8.50 a go, but ‘discretionary’ suddenly turns that into £9.56! And if you’re hungry, you better have ordered prior to arriving as the bespoke canapes need shipping in from Putney.

Despite the questionably credibility of SOME of Thierry’s claims there’s no doubt he is (A) passionate about what he does; (B) a thoroughly entertaining chap who’s clearly the best man for the job; (C) a consummate professional who obsessively trains and interacts with his staff so they get the most out The Valmont as well; (D) obsessed with shiny, shiny, shiny black glass - at this rate he’ll be lacquering the urinals soon.

All of this bodes well for The Valmont. This is not your local corner shop of bars. Nor is it the Lidl, the Asda or the hallowed Sainsburys. This is more the Waitrose of the ‘exclusivity and boogie-woogie’ world. Not quite Harrods but it’s not too far off, either.

It’s the kind of place where guests draw attention to themselves by purchasing £350 magnums of Grey Goose vodka then leave them at their table in full view of the knowing crowd. BUT, it’s also the kind of place where Thierry will monitor people coming in at the main door, stopping everyone for a quick chat, ensuring everyone is in the right mood. Basically, if you’re not ‘jolly’ going in, you not jolly going in, not matter who you are. Those aren’t smokers outside, they’re grumpy gits who were turned away.

If Thierry thinks you are chirpy enough to enter, you’ll descend through a faux jungle and under a neon ‘God Save The Queen’ sign. The bar is sleek and small but not claustrophobic, especially as it has a belter of an air con. The separate areas provide you with different levels of schizophrenia: the secluded bead-curtain mini booths with personal volume control are for intimate whispers; the bright white cloud room is for conversations; and the black room, well that’s for shouting. The cocktail list changes by the season but the ones to look out for are the rightfully-named raspberry-&-vanilla ‘Debauchery’ (popular with the lasses) and the rum-&-peach Quick Fix (for the chaps).

As it’s a bit of a trek from the tube, this is a black cab venue, but that’s OK because it’s a communities club, so it’s going to be out in the communities.

We’ll give it 4 stars Thierry, but don’t take our word for it.....