Lies About My Friends (part 2): DEREK

Excerpt from Lies About My Friends....

...Now, I am not a man who sleeps on both sides of the bed, but visually Derek is a marvel to look at. His appearance far outweighs his personality; which is not to say Derek’s personality is lacking - although sometimes he does tend to aggravate his friends and associates by constantly regaling us with his tiresome theories and stories - it’s just that his physical characteristics are undeniably striking and, were I a Scot, I might be inclined to use the word ‘bonny’. His jawbone is as chiselled as the White Cliffs of Dover; his strong, muscular lower limbs could pass as oak table legs; his stone cold gaze is Hollywood, if not haunting. Sadly, however, Derek is the guardian of possibly the ugliest nose ever known to cast a shadow. If it weren’t for the rest of him being so dangerously compelling, all eyes would rest on the monstrosity that died in the middle of his otherwise perfect face.

The story goes that when he was a younger man he had the nose of a pixie, upturned and impish. On one unfortunate day, whilst out mountain biking in the valleys of France, he suffered an injury so horrendous that his nose was disfigured for the remainder of his days. Allegedly, the blame cannot rest with his expensive bicycle and neither was it, as one might initially suspect, the fault of Derek’s penchant for high velocity. The perpetrator was nothing more than a simple Pink Lady apple; or a Pink Lady apple core, to be precise. You might ask yourself how an apple core could inflict such a hideous disgrace on man’s bony structure. Well, in this case, the apple core in question was travelling at some 50 miles per hour at the very moment it chose to use Derek’s face as a braking mechanism. It had been moving at such a speed because it recently been tossed from the window of a moving car, some 90 metres above Derek’s head. As the car passed over the bridge, which connected the two sides of the valley in which Derek had been cycling, the oblivious apple chomper threw the felonious core from the vehicle just as Derek had been cycling beneath the bridge. Derek gazed up to marvel at the architectural majesty of the bridge when.....

On a lighter note, Derek likes pets. He once owned a creature that went by the name of Mihi Mihi, which he named after a famous invention that was so famous nobody but Derek seemed to know anything about it. As things go, Mihi Mihi is a great name for a poodle and Derek was very fond of the dog. Sadly, Mihi Mihi died of neglect when Derek was hospitalised with his broken nose.

Then came Flunch.

Flunch was another beast that enjoyed the company of Derek; although Derek did not much care for Flunch. Flunch had once belonged to an ex-girlfriend - Lyza of the Rendon-Strunk dynasty - and had fallen into Derek’s care following the bitter row that ended their torrid affair. Derek seemingly chose to steal the pet in order to retaliate against Lyza but, as mentioned above, Derek was none too fond of Flunch. Flunch was a Mexican red-kneed tarantula and Derek is known to become weak-kneed when in direct contact with spiders, especially if they formerly belong to an estranged lover. Since Flunch has claimed Derek’s abode, Derek hardly ever goes home any more, instead choosing to take dwellings in hotels, motels, work desks and friends’ apartments on most weeknights. The Theraphosidae is still fed, though. Oddly enough, the person who feeds it is Lyza of the Rendon-Strunk dynasty. Clearly, she has a spare key and a quite brilliant plan for never-ending revenge.

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