Locale (Balham)

225 Balham High Road, Balham, London, SW17

One thing is for certain: the new owners of Ferrari’s - now known as Locale - have got some minerals. How they consciously made the decision to buy into the anachronistic Balham restaurant is a mystery. What a time warp that place was. It had pictures of Sylvester Stallone on the wall. Rumour had it that Archeology magazine were set to do a double page spread about it. For those enthusiasts who were keen on the joint - both of you - your medication is in the post.

There is a bright side to this acquisition, though. As Jenson Button will surely attest, going one better than Ferrari is not such a tough job, after all. What makes the purchase of Ferrari’s quite an achievement is the gall to try and draw the community back in through the doors. But, if you’ve got a blank canvas to work with, and £100,000 for improvements, chances are you might actually do a mediocre job.

So, what will 100 big ones get you these days? Cristiano Ronaldo for half the week? A palatial mansion in downtown Baghdad? Well, it appears that 100G gets you a new lick of paint, a nice set of furnishings, and a crafty little cocktail bar near the entrance. And that’s about it. The new owners boast that the refit took only 4 days. It looks like it did, n’ all.

Thanks to the diners sitting outside, Locale looks vaguely enticing from the road. But then even Chicken Cottage would look enticing if it was permanently positioned next to an Argos and a row of estate agents. For 100g one might expect new tables on the terrace, and not appropriated scuffed ones from former tenants. One might also expect furniture that actually matches. Still, you cant win them all. At least the lovely vista of the Trinity Medical Centre and the busy T-junction intersection still remain. As does the familiar sound of an ambulance flying passed every 10 minutes. Italian food is meant to be al fresco, so why not bung in some trellising and get rid of the din and the tiresome view?

Inside, the change is not particularly flattering either, with an open plan affair that’s about as cosy as a haunted school dining room at midnight. Essentially, what the new owners have done is taken Ferrari’s, turned it upside and shaken out the 1980s.

Unlike Sylvester, some of the Ferrari staples managed to live through the shake-up, most notably on the menu, but chef Paulo Barone - the erstwhile employee of Clapham’s Buona Sera and Spiga in Wardour Street - has expanded on the original to some degree. Someone should give Zizzi’s and Pizza Express a call and tell them Locale is doing their menu from fresh, quite literally.

A word to the wise, the focaccia baked with whole tomatoes is the logical antipasti option as the garlic bread is big enough to bludgeon a Berlusconi and will no doubt ruin your main. Avoid the grilled asparagus if it’s out of season and the baked mushroom with ricotta is far too too delicious to ignore and you’ll no doubt consume the whole darn thing. And then you’re back in ‘ruining the main’ territory.

Speaking of mains: naturally, pasta and pizza dominate the wide selection, and do a fairly decent job of satisfying, but to experience the full potential of this kitchen it’s best to avoid anything that didn’t originally wallow in shit or swim in the sea when it was alive (apologies to the vegans). And do not, under any circumstance, get a side dish. The portions are large enough anyway and the sides are as cold and wrinkly as your Grandpa getting out of a bath he ran 3 hours ago. Not what you need. So save room for dessert and let Pops find his own towel.

The alacritous staff are all just back from Smiling Camp and there seems to be an unspoken rule that the more handsome or pretty they are, the fewer mistakes they make. That’s probably because they spend less time trying to convince themselves that they’re worth it, and more time remembering which orders are married with which tables.

Being an Italian restaurant, Locale obviously proudly presents for dessert.....the sticky toffee pudding? Or the chocolate cake? Che cosa! Allegedly, the locals went searching for their pitchforks when they found out these English sweets were to be removed from the menu, so the management decided to avoid a lynching and keep them, wisely. However, what do the locals know (says the local, quietly)?! Italians know dessert like they know how to swear at traffic so, depending on your ability to tough it out, either attempt to wrestle with the tiramisu - if you dare - or, to save yourself actually exploding right there in the restaurant, take up the offer of the Panna Cotta All’Arrancia, which directly translates as ‘jar of marmalade trapped inside a cloud of cream for the benefit of ladies with a tooth that is oh very sweet’. Or something.

Something else the Italians are quite good at is drinking. Yet despite the healthy number of mainly Italian biancos and mainly Italian rossos on the list, nearly everyone will ignore the New Zealand Sauvignon and opt for the mediocre Pinot Grigio, wont they! We’re all so very predictable. Well, don’t be. Try a cocktail instead maybe. Why? Because they use Hendrick’s gin and elderflower? Because they have Ferrero Rocher in drinkable format? No, because each one is only a fiver, ANY time of the day. That’s why.

Locale obviously has no passing trade; not unless drivers are now allowed to perform handbrake manoeuvres in the middle of Balham High Road. This is unquestionably a community restaurant and the owners would clearly rather make smaller margins and ensure repeat visits than squeeze every last penny from your pocket in just one sitting. Which is why this is the latest, and sixth, establishment in a group that likes to settle in residential areas such as Bromley, Dulwich and Fulham. Fresh food at a reasonable price, with a couple of lunch and dinner deals worth investigating too (and brunch).

Overall, the food is approximately at the mid-point between really lovely and kind of nice, with the location, view and decor sadly tipping into a bit naff, only to be saved by the service and the drinks which teeter on the point of absolutely great.

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