Molton House

43 South Molton Street, Mayfair W1
“The theatre is a gross art, built in sweeps and over-emphasis.”

At times like this it’s appropriate to break the glass and release an emergency quote. When the British author and playwright, Enid Bagnold, uttered the above phrase in fourteen hundred and whatever she probably didn’t have a West End socialite hangout in mind. Yet, with words like ‘gross art’, ‘sweeps’ and ‘over-emphasis’ she could’ve been describing the new members clubs, Molton House. It’s absolute design mayhem.

From the outside Molton House does a fairly good job of pretending it’s not an exhibitionist - small signage, tiny red rope, zero windows - but once (and if) you get inside, then the theatre really begins. It’s of no surprise that the biggest poser of them all, the peacock, has been adopted as the Molton House emblem.

The bite of ostentation smothers four homely floors of this Georgian building. The designers were clearly dealing with some acutely indecisive clients and, in the end, just threw together everything that B&Q could muster. Copper cladding, snakeskin, silk, peacock feathers (there it is again), leather corsets, ostrich feathers, flickering colours, darkened mirrors, scarlet hues, low lighting, gargantuan chandeliers: there was probably no other colour, material or fabric sold anywhere else in the world that day because it seems Molton House bought it all. The attention to detail even goes as far as putting sparkles INSIDE the toilet extraction fans.

The club - with house/electro/rock/but-no-RnB blaring out of the Funktion 1 sound system - leads to the cocktail bar - with its own DJ hidden in a cupboard under the stairs playing so-laid-back-it-could-be-a-spa music - which leads to the restaurant - serving what else but ‘modern European cuisine’ - which leads to the private dining/conference rooms - replete with their very own TV, wifi, stereo system, weather patterns, astrological calendar....

The drinks here are just shy of heavenly and you should feel free to say ‘Wow’ as often as you like. The specialists on the tricky side of the bar have put together a menu that is supper club flamboyant and in keeping with the venue’s decor. Classics, punches, cups, sours, flips, ‘temperance’ options, and a clever range of bitters - coriander, jasmine tea, vanilla, liquorice - created by a local hotel chef. Plus, each drink has its own receptacle, some which require flavour infusion before the drink has even been made.

Tip 1: wait for the ‘ample’ table service.
Tip 2: Do NOT ask for a Mojito. You wouldn’t ask Gordon Ramsey to cook you cheese on toast now would ya?!
Some of the highlights include the Cherry Blossom Bellini - or ‘Go-Getter’ as we’ll call it for its powers of easy drinking; the Liquorice Sazerac - the ‘Sock Blower’ for the strong buzzy feeling that arrives direct by absinthe; the signature A&A’s Negroni - a gin-based ‘Ladies Night’; the Molton Mule - ‘Summer time’ served in a twisted glass, heavy on the pineapple, strong on ginger, garnished with an odd lime dispatch; and the Don Flip - the ‘Nightcap’, a tequila and port-based end to the evening. Need to freshen up? Try a £5 latte before you go (cue Pulp Fiction style conversations about “finding out what a five pound latte tastes like”).

The people? Molton House is in the upper echelons, apparently. The membership committee contains within its serried ranks one Sex Pistol, one Queen, TWO Duran Durans, one Channel 4er, one messy bed artist, one former Mrs Law, one Kidd, one Kemp, one Cold Feet, one Blur, one Libertine, and one Imbruglia, to name but a few. Basically, you’ll need to iron a shirt. And brush your shoes.

Nick ‘Cuckoo Club’ Valentine teamed up with a former Movida GM, a former Sketch mixologist and a former Devonshire Gardens chef and created this multi-layered cake of decadence. The result is tastefully tacky and wins the 2009 Elton John Prize for Garishness hands down. But is the décor trying to over compensate for something that’s lacking? The jury is still out on that one.