The Valmont Club

266-266a Fulham Road, SW10 9EL

Contemplate, if you will, a little game we’ll call “The manager says...” This is a simple game. All you do is listen to what the manager says and then guess if he’s telling the truth. Then you get a clearer picture about the venue in question; plus an understanding of the inner workings of the manager’s mind which, in this case, belongs to a Frenchman called Thierry.

Thierry says The Valmont is a cocktail club, not a nightclub. He says The Valmont is only for regular members. He says The Valmont is for 25-45 year olds. He says The Valmont expects you to reserve a table. He says The Valmont dishes out an eclectic blend of house, indie, electro, rock, pop, and NOTHING ELSE. He says The Valmont expects you to be dressed smartly. He says The Valmont gets packed early in the evening. He says The Valmont has a ‘discretionary’ charge every time you visit the bar. He says The Valmont does bespoke food for sharing. He says The Valmont has been continually reshaping and redesigning since opening only a year ago. He says The Valmont always gets a 5-star review.

Some of the above has an element of truth, some is slightly fabricated. For example, it’s 11pm and the place is empty. And isn’t that RnB they’re playing? Later, when it starts getting buzzy, everyone there looks like they’re celebrating their A level results - yeh, young. The ladies look fabulous in cocktail dresses though, but the lads disappointingly opt for jeans. At the bar Thierry’s deliciously unique personal concoctions seem cheap at £8.50 a go, but ‘discretionary’ suddenly turns that into £9.56! And if you’re hungry, you better have ordered prior to arriving as the bespoke canapes need shipping in from Putney.

Despite the questionably credibility of SOME of Thierry’s claims there’s no doubt he is (A) passionate about what he does; (B) a thoroughly entertaining chap who’s clearly the best man for the job; (C) a consummate professional who obsessively trains and interacts with his staff so they get the most out The Valmont as well; (D) obsessed with shiny, shiny, shiny black glass - at this rate he’ll be lacquering the urinals soon.

All of this bodes well for The Valmont. This is not your local corner shop of bars. Nor is it the Lidl, the Asda or the hallowed Sainsburys. This is more the Waitrose of the ‘exclusivity and boogie-woogie’ world. Not quite Harrods but it’s not too far off, either.

It’s the kind of place where guests draw attention to themselves by purchasing £350 magnums of Grey Goose vodka then leave them at their table in full view of the knowing crowd. BUT, it’s also the kind of place where Thierry will monitor people coming in at the main door, stopping everyone for a quick chat, ensuring everyone is in the right mood. Basically, if you’re not ‘jolly’ going in, you not jolly going in, not matter who you are. Those aren’t smokers outside, they’re grumpy gits who were turned away.

If Thierry thinks you are chirpy enough to enter, you’ll descend through a faux jungle and under a neon ‘God Save The Queen’ sign. The bar is sleek and small but not claustrophobic, especially as it has a belter of an air con. The separate areas provide you with different levels of schizophrenia: the secluded bead-curtain mini booths with personal volume control are for intimate whispers; the bright white cloud room is for conversations; and the black room, well that’s for shouting. The cocktail list changes by the season but the ones to look out for are the rightfully-named raspberry-&-vanilla ‘Debauchery’ (popular with the lasses) and the rum-&-peach Quick Fix (for the chaps).

As it’s a bit of a trek from the tube, this is a black cab venue, but that’s OK because it’s a communities club, so it’s going to be out in the communities.

We’ll give it 4 stars Thierry, but don’t take our word for it.....

Bluu Bar

4 Moorgate EC2R 6DA

You don’t need me to tell you about Bluu’s appearance. It’s clear enough from the wordy description above [Bluu’s PR agents doing their finest]. You’re more interested in what it’s really like and whether you actually want to got there, right? Well, it’s safe to say that if you fall into one of the following categories then yes, you probably will:

- You’re a person of business and you’ve been to one of the other Bluu establishments in Manchester, Nottingham, Birmingham or Hoxton and thought it’d be a pretty neat to hold a meeting there;
- You’re a shouter. One of those people who loves the sound of their own voice, eager to idle away your evenings in a post-work stupour at a venue that has hard floors and hard ceilings and thus increases your already-deafening voice by several hundred decibels;
- You live on either the Northern line or the Central line and can ill afford stretching to anything beyond the mad dash for the last tube in order to rush home to your misery. So you select a closer and mildly more convivial option.

If, however, you fall into one of the following categories....:

everyone else in the entire world. With taste.

.... then you probably wont be all that bothered, to be honest.

What Wetherspoons does for blue collar workers, All Bar One does for lower middle management. And what All Bar One does for lower middle management, Bluu does for junior partners. It’s exactly the same, only with nicer tiles and wallpaper. Oh, and toilets doors that go right to the top AND bottom.

Now, there’s nothing wrong with the All Bar Nones of this world - without them we’d just be stuck with Pitcher & Piano - but unfortunately they, like Bluu, lack any real character. I mean, it looks nice enough, just not ‘Holy Moly!’ nice. The Bluu bigwigs have certainly spent a pretty penny to get it looking respectable. In fact, that penny was not just pretty, it was the Miss Universe of pennies three years in a row and only gave up being pretty to give the other pennies a chance. Although it’s essentially an aircraft hangar with all the plumbing and wiring still exposed, it does scrape through with a few credentials: it’s squeaky clean, it’s got a quaint sort of old style kitchen feel about it; and, it has plenty of natural light, even, oddly, in the basement.

On the drinks front, the usual San KroneFosteStrongNess draught beers are on offer and, unsurprisingly, the bottle options are much more enticing. However, the comprehensive book-sized drinks menu is filled with many different ways to get yourself into mischief including cheap-for-the-City champers and fish bowl cocktails for sharing (note: first one to suck down the most, wins. Or maybe doesn’t).

There is food, served up by a head chef called Jed - yes, that’s Jed the Head - which includes corn-fed poultry locally sourced from Lancashire (?) and breakfasts with words like black pudding, kippers or lobster omelette oozing across the menu. There’s also a ‘Beast of the Day’ sacrifice and a thorough range of desserts for all those girth-widening chompers amongst you.

My advice to you, if you really have to go: don’t conduct a meeting there. Businessman says ‘I wouldn’t have a meeting here’. How do I know this? Because I asked a real-life businessman, that’s how.

London's hidden gem museums

Link to original publish on Spire.com

Fulham Palace
One of the capital’s best kept secrets. Perched on the banks of the river Thames, Fulham Palace is the borough’s oldest building. It is also the most stately and, up until the 1970s, housed all the previous Bishops of London, dating right back to 704. The grade one-listed building is architecturally diverse, taking in aspects of Tudor, Georgian and Victorian design. A recent winner of the Royal Institution of Chartered Surveyors building conservation award for London visitors, Fulham Palace is home to a contemporary art gallery, a museum filled with archaeological artifacts, and a tranquil, walled garden resplendent with trees, herbs, botanical beds and wisteria pergola. On every second and fourth Sunday in the month (excluding December) and on every third Tuesday in the month, there are historical guided tours of all the major attractions, including the gardens, the Victorian Chapel, the Great Hall, and Bishop Sherlock's Room. These tours begin at 2pm, cost £5 per head and there is no need to book.
Bishops Avenue, SW6 6EA
www.fulhampalace.org

Charles Dickens Museum
If you’re traveling with kids then the £62m Dickens World installation in Chatham, Kent is probably a more appropriate day out, but if you’re looking for a more authentic Dickens experience then visit his only surviving residence in Holborn. Set on four floors, this is the world’s best collection of Dickens-related material and includes posters, rare editions, letters, paintings and original furniture. The famous novelist and social commentator lived in this Georgian terraced house from 1837 until 1839 before moving to larger accommodation following his literary success. If you’re lucky, you might want to get involved with one of the special events taking place at the museum such as the Victorian Games evening (in November), the occasional reading session (telephone to book tickets) or the weekly (usually Wednesdays) handling sessions at which you can actually write with the same quill that Dickens once used.
48 Doughty Street, WC1N 2LX
www.dickensmuseum.com

Petrie Museum of Egyptian Archaeology
This museum is part of University College London’s Institute of Archaeology and, as such, boasts some 80,000 Egyptian and Sudanese objects dating back as far as 5000BC. Offering of vision of what life was like in the Nile Valley throughout the ages (pharoahs, Ptolemiac, Roman era, Islamic age), the museum is filled with some of the earliest examples of Egyptian metals, costumes and calendars. It’s also home to a variety of weapons, portraits, jewelry, tools, earthenware and items of everyday use. It can be deliberately dark sometimes (for effect) and guests are often encouraged to carry a torch.
University College London, Malet Place, WC1E 6BT
www.petrie.ucl.ac.uk

Horniman Museum
Question: where else can you find all of the following (take a deep breath)?: an anthropology museum that includes the UK’s first permanent gallery devoted to African and Afro-Caribbean art and culture; a natural history museum with 250,000 stuffed specimens such as the impressive Canadian walrus; a Centenary Gallery that includes models, masks and even a torture chair; a museum of 7000 musical instruments, including 3500-year old Egyptian clappers; a 16-acre landscaped garden with grand conservatory; AND a £1.5m aquarium.
Answer: The Horniman.
Set on four floors, this unique art nouveau collection of natural and cultural artifacts is bolstered by a regular rotation of workshops, festivals, concerts and activities. Worth the day trip away from central London alone.
100 London Rd, SE23 3PQ
www.horniman.ac.uk

The Museum of Immigration and Diversity
If you’re looking for the ultimate ‘once in a lifetime’ museum opportunity then 19 Princelet Street in Spitalfields is just the ticket. This building is so rare and so fragile that open days are restricted to single digits. For example, in 2008 the museum will only open its doors for four days during the entire year! To arrange a visit outside of these dates, a four-week written notice is required. This bona fide time machine is unspoiled by modernity. It remains hauntingly unrestored from its original 1719 state, when a Huguenot master silk weaver owned it: living quarters; kitchen; garrets in the attic; and, a rare Polish synagogue where the garden once stood, alleged to be London’s second oldest.
This museum is the only European cultural institution exclusive to the themes of immigration and diversity. Understandably, it has been described by intrepid world traveller, Michael Palin, as “one of the most remarkable places in London”.
There is no charge, but donations are encouraged.
19 Princelet Street, London E1 6QH
www.19princeletstreet.org.uk

Clockmakers’ Museum
If you can, try to find the time (ha ha) to visit the Clockmakers’ Museum because it houses the oldest specific collection of clocks and watches in the world. Set in a singular yet comprehensively stocked room, the museum charts the rich history of London’s clockmaking. The accumulative range boasts some 600 watches, 30 clocks and 15 marine timekeepers. Most pieces range in date from 1600 and 1850 but there’s also a rolling exhibition of more contemporary works. The worthy timepieces of note include the first electric clock, Mary Queen of Scot's skull-shaped watch as well as the timepiece Sir Edmund Hillary wore during his push to the summit of Everest in 1953.
For those with a particularly keen interest in timekeeping, the Guildhall Library next door houses the Library of the Worshipful Company of Clockmakers, the museums patrons, where you’ll find an extensive range of printed materials on British horology.
Tip: the best time to visit is at noon when all the clocks chime simultaneously.
Guildhall Library, EC2V 7HH
www.clockmakers.org

Sir John Soane’s Museum
This heritage-listed museum was once the home of Sir John Soane (1753-1837) who, as well as being the famous architect behind the Bank of England, was also an avid collector of rarities and curiosities. He actually designed the house himself and positioned a favorable glass dome in the atrium so light could constantly spill onto every level. Manned by an enthusiastic and knowledgeable body of staff, the collection is not specific to a particular era or genre, taking in Egyptian, Classical, Medieval, Renaissance, Neo-Classical and Oriental antiquities, sculptures, paintings, casts, furniture and time pieces. Perhaps some of the strangest and most rare acquisitions are the Egyptian sarcophagus, the paintings by Turner and Canaletto, the drawings by Christopher Wren, William Hogarth's original ‘Rake's Progress’ cartoons and a mock medieval monk’s parlor. Look out for the interesting secret panels in the picture gallery which reveal more works of art when unfolded.
Tip: download a free audio tour from the museum’s website prior to your arrival.
Note: numbers are limited because of the building’s small size and fragility so expect queues on certain days at certain times. Therefore, arrive early and always avoid Saturdays. Or better still, go on the first Tuesday evening of the month to see the whole place bathed in candlelight.
www.soane.org

London Silver Vaults
Blink and you’ll miss it. Hidden away under the city’s legal district in amongst office buildings and tailor shops, this is one of the capital’s best kept secrets; ask most Londoners and they wont even know it exists. Yet despite this, it is the world’s most extensive collection of antique silver. Dating back to the late 19th century, these underground vaults were once the safety deposit box to London’s highly affluent. Large imposing doors protect some 40 dealerships that will buy, sell, exchange, repair, evaluate and generally give expert specialist insight into all things silver. Recognized bodies - such as the British Antique Dealers Association - will give you the assurance that you’re buying quality. If you’re lucky you might even bump into a movie star, a famous musician or even Royalty whilst perusing the dinner services, jewelry, candelabras, ornaments, champagne swizzle sticks and full-size silver armchairs.
Chancery House, 53-64 Chancery Lane WC2
www.thesilvervaults.com

Geffrye Museum
Have you ever wondered how English domestic life has evolved over the last 400 years? The easiest way to find out is to take a simple stroll. The Geffrye Museum is an 18th-century ivy-clad almshouse that’s been recreated into a chronological walk through middle class England. Starting with 17th century Elizabethan oak furniture and panelling, through a 1930s flat and on into an Ikea-furnished converted warehouse from the 90s, this is the UK’s only museum dedicated entirely to English furniture, paintings, textiles, and decoration. There’s also an award-winning walled herb garden and a series of period gardens. Plus a frail Almshouse, a cafe, a shop, and a temporary exhibition space that changes focus throughout the year.
Tip: be sure to go off-peak to avoid frustrating crowds. And get the £1 audio guide is well worth getting.
135 Kingsland Road E2 8EA
www.geffrye-museum.org.uk

Museum of Garden History/The Garden Museum
The Museum of Garden History is already the first of its kind in the world and soon it will be even better. In November 2008 it will relaunch as The Garden Museum having closed its doors for three months of intense refurbishment and redesign. Set on the Albert Embankment, near facing the Houses of Parliament across the Thames, the erstwhile St. Mary-at-Lambeth church is being transformed into the UK’s only fully devoted garden exhibition. The new additions will include an education room, a mezzanine gallery, and a new temporary gallery. These will compliment the existing 17th century knot garden as well as the rear courtyard - where the tomb of the Charles I’s famous plant collector and gardener, John Tradescant, lies - plus many historic tools, artifacts and curiosities that highlight the British obsession with garden design. During the reconstruction period the garden cafe, shop and garden will still be open.
Lambeth Palace Road, London, SE1 7LB
www.museumgardenhistory.org

Churchill Museum and War Cabinet Rooms
If it’s one of those typically British rainy days, head underground in the heart of Westminster. For those that like their sight seeing genuine and concise, the nine historical War Cabinet Rooms should keep you thoroughly enthralled. Restored in 2003, these are the very same subterranean enclosures used by the Prime Minister, Winston Churchill, and his Chief of Staff during their World War II campaign. Original furniture, maps, books and Trans-Atlantic telephones are coupled together with authentically dressed mannequins and realistic sound recordings to create a snapshot of political life during the 1940s. Although young children might not ‘get’ the War Rooms section they may still enjoy the connecting Churchill Museum as it’s filled with multi-media exhibits. Charting the 90 living years of the man himself it includes the impressive fifteen metre-long ‘Lifeline’ interactive table. There are also special events and temporary exhibitions going on throughout the year.
Tips: The mornings are quieter and the audio tour enhances your in-depth experience.
Clive Steps, 
King Charles Street  
London SW1A 2AQ

http://cwr.iwm.org.uk

Dennis Severs’ House
Although this might initially seem like some sort of heritage museum, it’s definitely not. This is historical art and it’s the closest thing to time travel as you’re ever likely to witness. American Dennis Severs lived here during the 1970s and made it his personal mission to recreate a homestead for a fictitious Huguenot family. This eerie East End Georgian terrace has been developed into some kind of of 18th/19th century soap opera. Severs himself called it “still life drama”. It requires you to use your imagination as you wander, silently, through the ten, small, dark era-themed rooms, soaking up living history with all your available senses: the smells (dampness, fresh coffee, roaring fire); the sights (partially-eaten still-warm food, authentic furniture and clothing); and sounds (hidden speakers projecting street noises). Just don’t ask any questions: the staff here are not curators, they’re performers.
Tip: Monday night visits by candlelight are best for the complete effect.
18 Folgate Street, E1 6BX
www.dennissevershouse.co.uk

Press Release Me, Let Me Know III

Here at Deep In The Joojoo HQ we – that’s me, my inner child and a World Cup winning footballer who has amnesia and has forgotten how to play - are all about facts. We love facts. We simply cant get enough of them. Which is why, despite the obvious sabbatical since the last instalment, ‘we’ bring a collection of fuel-injected death-ray factoids courtesy of the glut of useless emails we've received from those determined PR and marketeers of the world. Get on board the fact bus!

Shiver me timbers!

Forget Beijing, the real sporting event of the week takes place in Queenborough Harbour on Kent’s Isle of Sheppey aboard the Salty Sea Pig galleon – which is a boat. On Sunday 3rd August the world’s best will gather for the annual World Walking The Plank Championships. Organised by the fearsome Captain Cutlass - leader of the Sheppey Pirates - in order to raise funds for the RNLI lifeboat charity, the championship is open to all ‘plankers’ wishing to be hurled into the briny by sword-point as long as they can supply golden doubloons (£5) and be able to swim.

John “Long John” Lenton, a long-distance lorry driver (say that when our drunk) won the competitions in 2006 and 2007 when he dressed as a eight-foot parrot. He will not be competing this year, however, as he’s taking a break to get married. “My fiancé says I won’t be able to concentrate on the wedding if I am trying to win the plank walking championships,” he was quoted as saying.

In case you are interested, the judges grade the contestants out of ten on the following categories:
- Use of piratical language
- Originality of dress
- Execution of jump including the crucial height of after-splash
- Overall star quality known as the R (aargh) Factor.

This year’s winner will receive £100, a trophy and a case of Shepherd Neame Spitfire ale.

BYO everything

There’s big sandwich news of the week: according to Sainsburys, Tupperware sales are up 36% this year, as are sandwich bags by 25%.

The British Sandwich Association - who else can you trust? – claims the UK usually consumes roughly 2.7 billion sandwiches outside the home each year. But throw in a looming credit crunch and the possibility of a recession and suddenly homemade sarnies become a lucrative option. Ingredients for ‘fakeaways’ - homemade curry, Chinese and pizzas – are also on the rise with vindaloo curry paste burning up 33% more sales this year and plain poppadums getting dipped by half as much more as last year.

You was flirting with him, you was!!

Travel website Trivago has come up with a Summer survey that has thrown up a few cheery statistics, the most poignant of which is the fact that 60% of all British couples have a fight when they’re on holiday. Yep, of the 5300 vacationers surveyed nearly two-thirds admitted to having a row when they were supposed to be chillaxing. And the most common causes? The weather and food are responsible for around 16% of tiffs and deciding who is the boss accounts for 16%. Edging the hot topic for debate stakes is jealousy, though, with 17%.

The Spanish are the most aggressively jealous with 60% of their arguments starting from innocent flirtations. And it seems the further North you go the harmonious the less likely you'll quarrel: 62 percent of Swedish couples relax without any conflicts on their vacation. Bloody typical!

A bup-bup-boom

All hail, the United Kingdom of Great Britain has a new champion! MC Zani was recently crowned the UK’s best beat-boxer and in the doing so won the keys to a brand new Vauxhall Corsa SXI with 17” alloy wheels. Wicked!

Zani saw off mad skillz from fellow finalist, Reeps One, in front of the royal judges Beardyman, Shlomo, and Kila Kela.

Big Brother

Do you like being watched? Do you get off on having your every move under surveillance? Well, Alton Towers has got the ultimate souvenir for you. It’s imaginatively called YourDay and for a mere £19.99 you can reserve a DVD...of yourself. 100 RFID antennas, 36 cameras, 6km of data networking cable and 140 computer servers all synchronise to deliver a frightening account of all your queue waiting and scream-face antics throughout your special day at the theme park.

How’s it done? A clever wristband sends signals to Big Brother, alerting the system of your every move. Weird!

The UK greenest business

...is Marks & Spencers. Fact. According to the FOOTSIE 100 Green Winners and Green Washers Survey which polled the UK’s best sustainability experts, national and trade journalists and political groups.