Duke of Sussex

75 South Parade,
Chiswick W4 5LF

Opinions are divided on life’s many little quandries: are the New Zealand rugby team the world’s greatest underachievers; should we put Britney out of her misery and have her spayed; is the old ‘chicken cross the road’ joke just a poignant metaphor for human existence.

The newly refurbished and totally unrecogniseable Duke Of Sussex in Chiswick is no exception, either. Opinions are sure to waver somewhere between “who is to blame?” and “by Jove, my trousers have fallen off!”.

For the people that don’t know better – namely, all non-Chiswick residents – The Duke of Sussex will be a bit like the planet Mars: populated with alien life forms, a pain in the arse to get to and surprisingly underwhelming when you finally arrive.

To the locals, on the other hand, it’s all about the subtle differences. They’ll be lauding the recent tonal transformation from the gaudy orange and greens of yesteryear to the colour of the future….brown. Although, in the immediacy, this might not seem to fill your heart with glee, the locals will be quick to hail the splendour and the sparkle that accompanies the brown - chandeliers, solid red drapes, the bounty of ornate cherubs circling the dining hall, the grandiose garden bar complete with fairytale trellises and Victorian lamposts – such is the Duke’s new regal character. It’s worth noting at this point that Chiswick is 100% pure grade Posh. Residents have included the likes of Vanessa Redgrave, Patrick Stewart and Felicity Kendall. Sparkling brown is bound to be popular.

The division in opinion continues with the untimely death of Elvis night, leaving fans of The King ‘in the ghetto’. Likewise sports fans should be prepared for a mauling: pool tables, out, dining tables, in; enormous plasmas, out, piddly TV, in; large back room showing Spanish football, out, large back room serving Spanish Fabada, in. This is what happens when a borough’s favourite sport is rowing.

For food lovers, the dining experience will do just enough to ensure you’re utterly confused. Whilst perusing the big rustic Spanish-Brit menu you’ll want to use words such as ‘unusual’, ‘interesting’ and ‘weird’. But then you’ll realise there’s no recognisable difference between starters and mains, be it monkfish, rabbit or ‘red’ themed salad. The prolific use of lentils, fish and black rice will fuddle your muddle completely, but at least the staff can warm your cockles with their courtesy and their “I picked those blackberries myself” banter.

And then there’s the wine lovers. Those championing the Old World order, there’s a carafe full of laughs for you. 375ml servings mean sampling is almost mandatory – Mas la Pierre Muscat Sec, Vega Real Crianza, even a Gloucestershire white. But all you New World lovers with your oversized carbon footprint, sorry, you’ll have to look elsewhere.

As for freelance journalists, they’ll all agree that the addition of free wifi and a tidy sum of interesting beers means they choose to remain opinionless about the Duke of Sussex. 7 out of 10 if you’re local, 6 out of 10 if you’re not from Mars.