The Rake

14 Winchester Walk, Borough Market SE1 9AG

Claim #1: it’s the first licensed pub in a hundred years to open within the legal confines of Borough Market

Claim #2: it’s London’s smallest pub

Claim #3: it has 380 different beers per year and has access to over 2000

Claim #4: In the 18 months since opening, it’s been Runner Up in the Observer’s 2007 Best Bar of the Year competition and overall winner in Time Out’s equivalent contest

Claim #5: it’s Myleene Klass’ local

Sounds pretty snazzy. Until looking a little closer, that is.

Claim #1: True, it is VERY close to Borough Market. Which is mainly because the librarians of beer – Utobeer - decided that their premium beer stall in the market was simply not enough and settled for something more permanent. Which is handy, if the fashionable fragrance of the moment is L’eau de Fish by Wiffy Miyake or Rotten (Fruit) pour homme by Tommy Stinkfinger.

Claim #2: Being only marginally larger than a snooker table still in its box, The Rake is best suited to those who find the tube at rush hour charmingly capacious. There’s more room between the end of this sentence and the beginning of the next. In fact, it’s so ‘cosy’, the gents facility is conveniently located outside. In the car park. Next to the wheelie bins, which themselves double up as table tops when more than five people enter the bar at once and dispersion is required. Remarkably, it’s the ideal venue for a date. If you get bored of your would-be suitor, you can always turn you head just a few degrees and start chatting with the faces next to you. You would’ve already been listening to their conversation anyway.

Claim #3: Beer, yes, they have a lot. They have more of the stuff than there are people to drink it. And if you don’t like beer? Well, what are you doing there in the first place?! The ‘try before you buy’ policy is very much geared towards education, leaving you with the difficult decision – the pilsners, the porters, the brown wheat, the locals, the soul ales, the Californian lagers, the champagne beers, the trapiste monk beers, the fruit beers, the light beers, the white beers, or the stupidly strong beers (an 11.7%er, if you will). Clearly, problems can arise when choosing. Which is then exacerbated by the length of time it takes to be served – roughly equal to the time it takes to brew it. Peering at the staff cooped up in their cage, it’s easy to sympathise with their Victor Meldrew social demeanour. And if you will ask to see the menu, don’t expect anything but tins of £3 ‘Convivial’ crisps.

Claim #4: Accolades are easily bought these days when the wrong information circulates around the right kind of people. The Rake thus insists on pricing itself expectantly high. This has naturally caught the attention of The Suits who squeeze themselves into the sterile space, conduct noisy conversations through their armpits which bounce off the ceiling and hard floors thus drowning out the desperate need for music.

Claim #5: Myleene…..reason enough NOT to go.

Plans are being developed to open two more locations: a shoe box somewhere in West London and on top of a leaf floating down the River Thames. Hmm, cant wait.

10 out of 10 for the beer selection, 5 out of 10 for having limited Klass.