Ooze

62 Goodge Street W1T 4NE

Soho media urchins, Warren Street architects, Tottenham Court technology junkies – the following concerns you, so pay attention. During the week you may experience an extreme loss of think-jazz in your revved-up nonce, usually around the high noon mark. This is then followed sharply by an indecent assault from within, as your appetite has a little paddy and you seek a conduit of indulgence.

With this in mind, therefore, here is your RECIPE FOR A UNIQUE MODERN BISTRO EXPERIENCE.

What you’ll need:
1 ripe hip-daddy area. Some people like to use common or garden areas such as Clapham’s Northcote Road or maybe even Angel’s Upper Street but on this occasion, judging by the locality to your work/play, Fitzrovia is a worthwhile substitute.

1 fresh idea that’s simplistic and ingenius, such as the versatility of rice. After all, half the world’s population survives on it, so it must be good for you.

1 brightly-lit venue. Draw from the pragmatic and avoid garnishing with ostentatious kitsch. Heavy interior use of mirrors, cheap wooden furnishings and plastic surfaces will suffice. This ensures that straight-from-the-IKEA-catalogue aroma.

3-4 interesting concepts: risotto without the Parmesan and butter glop; express risotto (such as pancetta, broad bean and rosemary) for those half-hour lunch breaks; risotto in various low fat/low salt combos.

4-5 key staff members with an obvious passion for risotto

4-5 key staff members that couldn’t actually give a toss (drunk whilst at work is always a good option)

1 catchy yet slightly unusual name. Try to avoid any connotations with mud, seeping injuries and radioactive leaks however (such as Ooze) as it may scare the children.

Now that you have assembled your ingredients you’ll want to make sure that noone goes hungry, so ridulously large portions are a must. And always leave the food standing on the side for a while to expell all that unwanted heat. Luke warm risotto is all the rage (apparently).

Then, when approaching the affordable menu, be sure to throw in a few bland sprigs - such as the semolina-through-a-rinse-cycle Classic Clam - as this will give the other dishes a much deeper, richly textured appeal.

At this stage, it’s worth noting a few important dos and don’ts as well:

Don’t overdo it with the cherry tomatoes. Not every dish needs tomatoes.

Don’t dabble with the range of interesting pestos (chilli), super salads (pink grapefruit and mung bean) or grills (swordfish steak). You’re here for risotto and nothing else.

Do go for the sliced sirloin with red onion, red wine and rocket risotto. As colourful as it is consistent, it’s the heavyweight champion of risottos.

Do get the saffron, gorgonzola and walnut risotto (but only if you’re vegetarian)

Do ask the staff why only one of the chefs is versed in the art of Tirimusu, as you were quite keen to give it a try.

Do opt for the panacotta and seasonal compote when you’re told the Tirimusu is not on.

Finally, before leaving, make sure you pick up a handful of in-house products such as the bottled olive oil produced by Sting. You’ll get plenty of satisfaction from the label once you read the ‘message in a bottle’ recycling puns.

Oozing with exotic promise during lunchtime rumblings, but a recipe for disasters at dinner. Otherwise, 7 out of 10