“Human nature dictates that we are pleasure-seeking beings and require elements of enjoyment in our lives. It gives our existence on planet Earth more meaning. Some people turn to religion, some take up golf or squash, others dabble in a cocktail of drugs and alcohol. Some social misfits even rely on their pet poodle’s entry into dog shows to get their kicks.
But over the last few millenia it has become increasingly apparent that a new drug is slowly creaping up on all of us, one that could potentially put our whole species at risk: SPACE.
SPACE is everywhere and it’s continually growing. There is Space between your private property and that of your neighbours; there is Space between the end of your sentence and the beginning of your next; there is Space taken up by your big, fuel-guzzling Saab; there is Space taken up by your fat, biscuit-eating sister; there is a Space where you once went clubbing with a mate called Dangerous Dave; there is also a Space you once saw live on stage; there is Space on an Excel spreadsheet waiting for data; there is Space inside a bubble-wrap bubble waiting to be deflated; there is Space that the shuttle travels out to, but has difficultly getting back from; there is Space that Stanley Kubrik created an Odyssey for; there is Space between your first joke’s punchline and the subsequent laugh at open-mike comedy night; there is Space between weekends called work; there are Space wars that take place between high street gangs such as Nike, Top Shop and Boots; there is Space that old people occupy; some people even confess to wanting more of their own ‘personal’ Space.
Allegedly, Russia has 17,075,200 square kilometres of SPACE in it’s possession (compared to that of The Principality of Liechtenstein which only has a-160 sq km supply). Apparently, the Space that an adult mind owns is 4 billion cubic thought metres, whereas a totally innocent and unbiased newborn baby uses a massive 8 billion cubic thought metres. Disturbing stuff I’m sure you’ll agree. Perhaps most frightening of all though is the fact that the millions of Earth-dwellers who use a personal computer at work will, on average, use their keyboard’s ‘space’ button up to 300 times a day!
I went out into the street to ask the general public what they thought: of these ominous figures. One SPACED-crazed 5 year old youngster told me he wanted “to go into SPACE to fight the aliens”. An old lady, who was quite obviously out of her mind on SPACE, told me she “didn’t have enough SPACE for her geraniums”. Clearly, this is a local, regional, national, even international problem.
I’m Kip Licher, and I’m going undercover on tonight’s show to find out exactly what the governments of this world intend on doing about this predicament. Welcome to tonight’s show, ‘SPACE: the fight for our lives’.”
[TV show intro fades in]
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