Brandon Block

(First published in October 2005)

In Apocalypse Now Martin Sheen told us that, “Everyone gets what they want. I wanted a mission, and for my sins, they gave me one”. He was about to head upstream into volatile territory in order to communicate with Colonel Kurtz, the crazed leader of a mass of maddened minions.

Brandon Block, dance-music’s own Marlon Brando, is a producer, an Ibiza-Godfather, a long-time doyen of the dance floor, and a thoroughly agreeable chap. As long as it revolves at 45 rpm and isn’t nailed down Brandon Block will mix it. ‘Blocko’ plays Detached this month at The Telegraph alongside antipodean funsters Supermagic.

So Brandon, you’ve been around for about 480 years now, and you’ve played so many clubs that if you laid them end to end they’d probably go to the moon and back - why The Telegraph gig?
- Basically I’m starting the night at The White House in Clapham and was asked if I could nip over to Brixton to finish the job off. I’ve heard good things about Detached – a music-friendly crowd who’ll appreciate all genres. We’ll be playing some funky house, electro house, soulful house…

Semi-Detached house?
- Ha ha!

Two in one night?
- It used to be a common thing for me to do 2 or 3 gigs on a Friday night but its not so much like that any more.

Getting older?
- Yeh, something like that mate.

What’s your favourite residency?
- Probably the Honey Club in Brighton, and obviously Space in Ibiza when I was doing it.

People always ask you about the best clubs and the best crowds, but rarely ask you about the accommodation situation at all these great places. Ever been to any hotels that blew your mind?
- I usually just drive home actually. No matter where I am. I was in Leeds last night and I drove home. However, I have stayed in the 7-star Burj Al Arab hotel in Dubai and it is ridiculous!

Can you name 5 famous talking cats?
- Sylvester, Felix, the Cheshire Cat, the one Ben Stiller did the voice for in Madagascar, and Simba from Lion King!

Nice job!

I once saw you play at Mezzanine in Wolverhampton with a roomful of sweaty, grinning Midlanders and my little brother. It was a wicked night, not without incident, but can we just clear up, for my brothers sake, is London ‘da biznizz’ when it comes to clubbing?
- Mezzanine? Bloody hell, thems were good days! It depends, certain London clubs are definitely ‘da bizznizz’, but there are other clubs around the country that also have great nights.

You’ve done more Ibiza mix CDs than I care to shoplift, plus with the help of your mate Alex P you’ve been pivotal to the island’s status in British music - so do you consider Ibiza your real home and will it ever be as good as it used to be?
- I don’t think I could ever recreate the times that Alex and I had there. We were there from the outset, through most of the madness. Well, we were the ones causing it, to be honest. It’s not my real home but it’s still the best place to go and party whenever you want.

How much money would it take to erase those memories?
- Ooh, about 400 quid. Nah, just joking! Nothing would make my life perfect, unless you count reliving all those memories again I spose.

Have you got anything you’d like to plug that we can look forward to?
- Nothing in the pipeline right now, but coming up to Christmas its all a bit hectic. I’m going to start producing again in a couple of weeks, hopefully with the old Blockster boys again.

On your website www.brandonblock.com there is a chatroom discussion about whether or not you’re the kind of bloke that would say (or even write) the words “thanks sweetie”, in whatever context. Can you clear up this argument once and for all?
- Thanks sweetie? No, I don’t say that. I say “Cheers gorgeous”.

Thanks sweetie.
- You’re welcome gorgeous.

So, genres that don’t have the word ‘house’ in their name, who do you like to rock out to?
- I love old hip hop, ‘Rappers Delight’ and that sort of stuff. LL Cool J is one of my favourites too.

Can you demonstrate your rapping skills for us now?
- Not a chance. At least not whilst I’m driving.

Your musical range, much like your demeanor, is, for want of a better phrase, all over the place: Breakbeat, old skool, funky house, peaking trance – can you give us an explanation?
- I wouldn’t say ‘all over the place’, ‘eclectic’ is the word I’d use. It depends where I’m playing really. If I know I can get away with something then I’ll play it. If its something that I know the crowd can appreciate, perhaps doing something a bit different, then I’ll do it. If they are not up for it, then I’ll play what they want to hear. Ideally I like to drop a few obscure classics in, but its not always applicable.

As a person on the inside track of the Olympic stadium known as dance music you no doubt have your finger on the pulse – so do you have any info you can share about who and what tunes to watch out for over the next 6 months?
- Its very hard to predict anything. I think Breaks are always going to be around. Hip Hop is still going to be a big part of it too. I’d love to see Hip-House come back in a big way. I love Hip-House!

Do you really love it?
- I really do!

Have you ever got in a fight with anyone famous other than the odd Rolling Stone at a major awards ceremony?
- Me and JK (of Jamiroquai) had a little tussle once. It didn’t come to blows though. Back in 1989, before JK started singing, the promoter at this Ealing club I was playing at introduced us and told me JK was going to play keyboards that night. He played like Adamski and, to be honest, I didn’t think he was that good. So I told him, “Oi mate, sorry, but you have got to go!” We’re good mates now and it’s been a long-standing joke ever since.

ASBO in ASDA OR Quickie in Kwik Save?
- An ASBO in ASDA, for definite.

Rollercoaster OR rollerdisco?
- Rollerdisco, I reckon.

What do you think of the new rollerdisco they have at Bagleys?
- I haven’t been yet but I’m an old roller-skater so I might nip down there one week and get my old spinning out.

And finally, cockney rhyming slang for Brandon Block?
- The answer Brandon gave is, unfortunately, unprintable. Despite the fact he was sitting next to his Mum at the time.

Money for nothing

What’s this? They’re giving out FREE money for just sitting on your derriere all day? Where do I sign up? Surely this could be London’s best-kept money making secret.

Medical trials, they’re a funny old game. However, for some of you the idea of being a human guinea pig might not be that funny at all. But trust me, I’ve been through three jobs, two girlfriends and one marriage since my first trial and I’m still standing. In fact I’ve done so many, I’m now actually a new breed of superhero after a bizarre mix up in the lab between my blood and that of a mutant spider-fish-wolf.

Being sceptical and being scared of turning into a zombie go hand in hand. But lets face it, how many of you clubbers out there swallow ‘medication’ from some dodgy geezer called Dangerous Dave every Saturday night? It’s safer inside with the Whitecoats than out on the town with you nutters!!

Now, we’ve all heard the myths about these trials: getting your big toe lopped off for ten grand, or how about stopping your heart, just for a second mind, in return for the princely sum of £5,000? Is there any truth to these rumours? Hardly. The strangest trials I’ve seen with my x-ray vision eyes were one requiring a simple scraping from some lucky fella's lung and another that involved much drinking of vodka and orange juice at an ungodly hour of the day. And the Viagra trial? Well, who can really say what goes on behind those screen partitions!?

My closest personal experience with anything slightly Clockwork Orange was an injection into my stomach that replicated the effects of Alzheimer’s. I was then given a secondary drug to bring me out of the resulting disorientated state. Thankfully, my toes were all still attached when I came to.

The rules, though, can seem quite draconian to your everyday free spirit - with restrictions on your diet, alcohol consumption and sporting activity. Even your sex life is strictly ‘watched’ over. Give a man a rule, though, and he will no doubt try to break it. I’ve heard of occasions when stealing a sachet of tomato ketchup from the lunch trolley could cost a man £50 in fines. I’ve even seen a grown man risk it all for a dry cheese cracker.

The folk you meet ‘inside’ are very strange (where else would I have learnt how flagrant the Afrikaans language is), and stranger still are their plans to use their newfound wealth. Just recently I met a gent who was using his money to become the first black man to swim the English Channel; another was putting all his money into his entrepreneurial catering supplies business whilst living off the benefits in sunny Spain; and my favourite was the South African guy who wanted to use his trial money to set up an internet porn company. And they say the drugs don’t affect the volunteers’ compos mentis!

Despite the tendency to daydream about pizzas and cold pints of Guinness more than any grown man should do, when that cheque is firmly in your hand after your final blood test, it is tantamount to winning the lottery. You feel absolutely elated.

So, those of you who are a bit short of cash or just find it difficult to meet interesting people anywhere else in London, try contributing your body to medical science. You never know, it might be catching. Just hopefully not in an ‘infectious disease’ sort of way.